The Trauma A Long Distance Gives

The sound of loud honking was deafening my ears, but I did not want to close the window. That was the only source of ventilation in this goddamn room, after all. I had tried almost everything to drown the inner turmoil, but it just won’t budge. I was cursing myself for choosing this time of the month to visit my parents, but there was barely anything I could do. I did what I had to, but I guess meeting her was not in my fates, not for now or ever.

She was getting used to my absence, no matter how vehemently she claimed otherwise. I know she loved me, but it was not just the same. We had grown apart. Not in the physical, practical distant way (ours was already a long distance) but in the emotional sort of way where she would not stop me from going.

I have never been the one to stop anyone. As people say about me, I was the one to let it stay unfixed and to just walk away, with no questions asked and no answers sought. But with her, things had been different initially. When we fought, she would chase me down the deepest seas, and I would crawl back to her.

Fights, Fights, and Fights.

That was what our relationship consisted of. Sometimes I wouldn’t have time for her, sometimes her sarcastic remarks led it to a fight, sometimes my temperament would lose its shit at the silliest comments and sometimes, her mood swings got the better of her sanity.

My manuscript was lying on the table before me. There were several marks of correction on each page, and the pencil was still in my fingers. I was reading it for the third time before I set it out to publishing and I needed to be sure of everything before my debut novel came out in print.

My stare on the manuscript was blank. There was no point amiss for now, and I was reasonably satisfied. I guess this was just a way to get rid of the thoughts of our fights.

5 days until we meet for the first time, we are still in a fight. I refuse to take her calls, and she refuses to give it a rest. She says good night and not 5 minutes later, I get a call from her. 90% of the times, she apologises for something she has said or done. Rest of the times, she would either go to sleep or forget that we had even fought. She should remember that it happened because of her smoking!

I cannot even count the times she has sworn not to take a drag, but. Here we are. She promises not to touch it, and weeks later, I find out that she broke the promise. How am I supposed to make her quit that deadly habit of hers! How do I tell her that she will be ladened with the diseases that may cripple her for life! How do I explain it to her that I NEED HER IN MY LIFE, as healthy as ever!

But.

We disappoint each other. She, by breaking her promise, and I, by being away from her for breaking her promise.

Not like I have not given it a thought that we should split up. But every time she comes up with a story of her getting injured or hurt or wounded, I have to break my resolution of never talking with her again.

I admit I hate to see her hurting. But where is this relationship even going?

We have not even met each other. And we will not until the next 5 days.

I always dread what we are going to talk about, how we will receive each other, for the first time after a 3 year long relationship. Though, I am looking forward to seeing her. This is the only reason I have chosen to visit my parents at this time, right before Diwali, when even the outer surface of the capital of India is fogged up.

Maybe, just like our love.