My Failure Story; No Success Intended

It's been 11 months, and nine days and success has ignored me like a lendee neglects the lender after borrowing the money.

January 9, 2018: I remember waking up at 6:30 A.M. to the sound of my alarm clock, blindly reaching the snooze button, and mumbling to no-one in particular, 'I'm wide awake. I'll get out of my blanket really soon, and rock this day like the sun has dawned upon the city only for me. I just need five more minutes to refresh my mind.'

Of course, I got up. Only this time, the clock read 10:30 A.M.

Of the twelve resolutions which I had picked on the new year eve; one was about waking up early in the morning. I was very confident about the new life I was going to live; productive and prolific.

Like a fairy-tale, everything was perfect and programmed in my mind. I had pictured myself sitting by my writing desk, words tuning out of my mind, and my fingers dancing to its rhythm as I jot down the best story ever.

Unfortunately, my subconscious mind conspired against me on January 10th too and compelled me to hit the snooze button. On the following days, before going to bed (every single day), I'd promise myself that I was going fight; I'll spring out of bed, sway, scream, and shower, and show the sleepy-subconscious-self the secretive competitive spirit I own.

Do I need to announce who won?

When March marched into my life, I didn't lose hope. I was not a loser. I decided to try again. I downloaded an application on my mobile phone where the user cannot hit the snooze button unless they solve a set of mathematical equations or shake their mobile a hundred times or more.

To my sheer annoyance, I had to pick my brain to find the answers of thirteen ridiculous equations, and by the time I completed all of them, I was awake. It worked. I tossed my blanket away and turned the lights on.

I was thrilled. I was proud. It was the best feeling ever. Once I finished writing a short-essay, I picked my phone up, rated the application on the Google play store and wrote a heartfelt note to the developer.

I was so excited I planned the morning routine for the next three months, but what happened next was tragic.

My sexy subconscious mind schemed a brighter solution to stop the alarm the next morning: the power off button. It compelled me to force the mobile to shut down by pressing the power button and mumble to no-one in particular, 'I'm wide awake. I'll get out of my blanket really soon, and rock...SHUT-THE-KCUF-UP?"

July happened. I was sure I could achieve my goal if I start working twice as hard. After all, it's never too late.

I came up with a new trick. Before going to bed, I put my mobile at a five-meter distance from my bed. The next morning, I woke up annoyed. I reached the mobile, growled unintelligibly, forced it shut, and walked straight into the bath.

I turned the tap on to shower, slumped to the floor, and by the time I realised the bathroom had transformed into a swimming pool, the clock had struck 11 A.M.

September happened. So did October and November, and my affinity to blanket has become inversely proportional to the dedication I once had regarding my new-year resolution.

When I woke up today, I decided to pay tribute to both my alarm clock and the nasty little mobile application I had installed; I trashed one and uninstalled the other.

For the upcoming years, my only resolution is to never make a resolution.