How Self Deprecating Thoughts Shape You into a Shell

When I look around myself, I see everybody moving, working, accomplishing things.

Someone is studying, some are working on their assignments, a few are working hard to earn, some are travelling, others are photographing, many are baking, writing, publishing books, leading a group, speaking in the public!

Everyone has done and is doing things. And while I am looking in all my directions, I see not even a single person who is sitting idle.

I forgot to tell you that I did not look at myself lately, which is why I could not find anyone idle.

Not carefree, but idle.

No work, yet stressed.

No worry, yet depressed.

Many friends, yet lonely.

Just the basic woman-on-period stuff, you see.

But I am talking about doing something.

Motivational speeches, soulful writings, poems, sumptuous food, experiments, inventions, art, architecture...

Everyone is into one field or another and yielding decent money.

Whereas, I, despite being a woman of many talents, am sitting idle. Useless. Worthless.

Why do I feel so today?

Because I have no goals. Because I have no ambitions. I have no passion for anything. I cannot stick to one thing for long; I cannot learn anything without missing classes in between; I am unable to please myself, let alone others.

Not that I need any certificate from my family or friends or associates to assess my capability.

From what I have seen others doing, I have learnt that talent will not work until you make efforts to make it work.

Talent does not earn you success or name or fame or whatever you want to attain. Working hard and smart and that too, relentlessly will.

But who am I to say such an inspirational thing when I have proven unable to implement it on my own?

My problem?

I depend on others too much. I fear to make my own decisions. I hesitate going out.

I could never brave myself to rebel and live for myself.

And I, regret my life.

I regret to live with no dreams.

I regret to possess a continuous sadness.

I regret to have never travelled.

I regret to have never learnt anything!

Most of all, I regret the people that I thought I could trust.

I do not know whether I am waiting for a rude awakening which will push me towards my destination or at least on the path leading my destination. I do not know whether such miracles even happen.

People whom I consider close to me, tell me that things will fall in place for me, I just have to give time and have faith. I just have to have some trust in my destiny.

I have been patient for too long. No, I am not talking about suicide here. I am better than that. And I am braver than that thought. (Maybe)

I have kept enough faith in Him. I do not think I can take it anymore.

I have pushed myself hard for at least tending to my duties and responsibilities. But it does not make me happy.

It leaves me stressed. It leaves me craving a life I never had. A life of my own, for my own, on my own.

I have waited too long, and I am beginning to lose hope.

I have seen too many relationships breaking, whether of love or friendship.

I have had betrayals, I have had tears. Those things turned me into an even more open person, but now...

I am hardening up. I hate what I have become now. I hate that I have failed to think for myself. I hate that I am lazy and a procrastinator! I hate that I am waiting for someone else to lift my spirits up. I hate to admit to myself my own insecurities.

At this point of time, I do not understand a single quote or a song or an advice which suggests anything about SELF LOVE.

If anything, the concept of loving oneself has taken a form of myth.